


When I Desire You a Part of Me is Gone.

by ThegHostofYourHeaRt



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, F/F, Injury Recovery, Mutual Pining, Mythology - Freeform, Sex, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:48:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21882517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThegHostofYourHeaRt/pseuds/ThegHostofYourHeaRt
Summary: Kara lives again, and the world goes on.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Kara Danvers
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31
Collections: Secret Kalex Santa 2019





	When I Desire You a Part of Me is Gone.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheAlternateArtist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAlternateArtist/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Excerpts from the Black Book of Kandor](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18118889) by [Alsike](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alsike/pseuds/Alsike). 



> I want to thank Alsike for letting me mention their work "Excerpts from the Black Book of Kandor" Wich is truly beautiful and gave me one of the essential ideas of this work.
> 
> And I want to apologize to TheAlternateArtis because maybe this isn't what you wanted, and I can't really say much beyond that this story outgrew me, I just hope that if you give it a chance it can give you a good time.
> 
> The titlle is from Eros: The Bittersweet. by Anne Carson
> 
> Happy holidays everyone. Stay safe and lots of love.

The first time she wakes up, she whimpers. heat and pain makes her delirious, her body heavy, her senses a jumbled mess.   
Her vision sweems and the tears that fall feel too hot, too heavy; painful.  
She tries to open her mouth, to reach outside of herself, outside of this pressure against her chest that is choking her.

“sweety, sweety calm down”

The familiar voice sounds like an echo, distorted, reverberating in the wrong way inside her head.

She whimpers again, desperation clear in the strangled sound that comes out of er chest. Help.

“Kara, stop, you are fine, everyone is fine love. you did it, my sweet girl. you saved us all again”

She can barely register the words, before the exhaustion takes her down again.

++++++

The world doesn't right itself after Alex gets her memories back, nor after the battle and much less after the other Kara, “Linda” becomes part of herself again, and a new weight falls in her chest. She doesn't really have the time nor wants to analice any of it, not when she is filled with joy.

She is with her family and friends, Alex looks at her with the love she had always seen in her eyes again, heavy and deep, not with the easy love and false familiarity or the weary curiosity of before.

The Deo is Alex´s and with it a sense of normalcy falls over them.  
,   
She wins a Pulitzer, her work as Kara Danvers as important as Supergirl.

her world seems to be righting itself.

++++++

She swims, images of what was and never was. She tastes Wilom again and hears her father read from The Black Book of Kandor, she drinks his words, as if they were sweet, nurturing parts of herself she is too young to understand. Holds tight the hand of her mother.

She tastes the oranges Eliza peeled for her while Alex reads outloud, her voice strong no matter how young she is.  
The breeze salty and heavy in her nose, the heat all encompassing. her new life.

She becomes Elkenon and sails through space.

The second time she wakes up she doesn´t know where she is, her body is heavy with the echo of pain. Sore is difficult to breath, and her eyes feel swollen.She cant move her body yet.

“Alex” She calls. her voice scratchy, barely audible in the air.

“She is alright sweety, she is resting too, but she is fine, she was here for a bit, but she was falling asleep, so i send her to her room” Elizas voice fills the room, and sooths her heart. “You should sleep more darling, its good for your body” she caresses her forehead with such love she feels tears threatening to fall.   
“Shhhh, my sweet girl its alright, everything is alright”.

+++++++

National City Keeps going, so does she.

She and Nia get out of work, Kara is hungry but Nia is exited about her first solo articles, she talks a mile a minute about her doubts and her hopes.  
It makes Kara smile. The way Nia wants more out of this life, the one where she is Nia Nal, the new young reporter, even more promising than she herself, no matter her other power,.

“Let me take you to dinner” she asks.

It startles Nia. “Really?” she looks so hopeful in that moment she goes back in time to her days as an assistant, when she could barely make ends meet.

“Sure, we can go wherever you want” She thinks of the big pot of pasta in the fridge, and the cheap baguettes she can toast with butter and garlic. In any case, there’s Alex fridge or Jonn’s.

Nia smile widens and her cheeks blush, her body slumping in confort. “Thank you” she whispers.

They walk the streets of National City downtown, weaving through people, the smells, abrasive, she contains her breathing, short and spaced. But she likes the sounds, the chacophony of life, the laughter and the way people speak, the cadence of it broke by the odd discution here and there, the honk of the cars.

“Oh…. Hello Dr. Olsen, Director Danvers” Nia calls waving.

Kara imediately looks up, Alex’s heartbeat flooding her ears, she smiles at the sight of her sister. She is tucked in Kelly’s embrace, holding onto her girlfriend from the waist.

Alex smails when their eyes meet.

“Alex” Kara calls in relief.

And then, like is been happening since she woke up in the damp ground of the forest with Alex calling for her i dont know about this.

She steps away from Kelly’s embrace, stepping directly into Kara, her arms encircle her waist and Kara’s her shoulders.

“Hey, how are you, how was your day?” Alex asks.

Her head rests over her shoulder, her words bounce againts her neck. Its a confort, to feel Alex, her heat and her weight across her body, to be in the space where all she can smell is her soap and her sweat, no matter the soft tones of Kelly that are becoming more prominent than her own. She carecess her back, a motion all for her own gain, after so long without the freedome of it.

“Can I go by? I think you mentioned restoking the icecream of your fridge”.

Alex throws her head back in laughter, her eyes sparkcles. “You bastard” and smacks her ass when she stepps back.

+++++++++  
There is soft pressure in here hand, there is warmth. It thethers her. She feels like a baloon, moving in the air, barely concious of the things outside, its just the distant beeping and the warmth, she feels her chest bloom, her lungs full. There was a kind of relief coursing through her body, her muscles slack with the dull and plasurable pain after phisical exhertion.

She sighs, her legs twitch under the Blanket, she holds thigter the hand that is holding her and opens her eyes.

Alex is there.

Krypton was created by two Gods. two cosmic beings, ancient echos of the universe, borne out of universal particules. They where part of it, in service of its creator, each was the life and the demise of life, they where the giver and the taker.

But it wasnt as simple, The being of light wasnt the sole creator, and the being of nigth wasnt the destruction.

The being of the light grew bored of the things in the universe, grew distracted and then distant, bestowing its light less an less, until there was nothing more then the night.  
While the being of night clensed, whashed away the impurities and lie to rest what the universe had given, only for the being of light touched its darkness, its solitud for it to morph in life.

The being of light became curious, weary of it, so similar to him, and so lacking of what it was. It found within itself thumping on its chest, and an idea it cuould touch.

The light grew in the idea, tried to bicome, life. Tried to give up the body, the power, and the strength.

He couldnt do it alone. Was thought for the first time.

From the darkness light grew.

The light convinced the dark, in insistence and prodding. The words became action.  
He became Rao, the Father, and She became Cythonna, the Mother.

Roa found in Cythonna the matter he could fertilize, the matter he could give life.  
Changing, the matter died or wasnt lustrous enough. Rao then took from the body of Cytonna, to create more of his children, imperfect as they where, they didnt filled the space beteewn his ribs. So he took, he took from Cythonna until she was no longer the night, and he took of himself until there was just Krypton an the creatures Rao Loved.

Alex was looking at her, her eyes were soft, if not tired. She reaches for a (paper glass) Her movements were slow, careful. Her left arm in a case, the skin of it covered in a scaley black glove.  
With her right hand she puts ice chips against Kara’s lips, melting at the contact with her skin. The water reaching her tounge .

They stay in silence. Kara with just the energy to look at her, and swallow the water of the ice chips Alex gives her until they become frozen apple juce, its sweetnes and flavor a suprice that makes her gasp and close her eyes for a moment.

Alex chuckles, Kara can hear the joy in the soft sound, and see the love in her briliant eyes. Her fingers caress her lips and then her cheeks before leaving. She puts the papercup on the bedside table before she leans forward resting her head carefully over her torso. She dosent stop smiling, not even when the tears come.

Cythonna wanted to be part of creation, she thought it brutal in ways it shouldnt be, not because there was no violence in the act, but because its violence should carry waight in the things or beings created, she wasn’t interested in the same kind of adoration Rao was, she wanted the soft push of tenacity, the knowlege the creations could aquire, in rythms, patterns or the act of ovserbation.

Rao laughed at that, because for him such things where meaningles, he was the father, the giver. Krypton was his own like nothing else, no matter its foundations where made from Cythonnas bowels.

++++++++

Alex is barking orders, There is something in her voice she cant identify, there is a rumble of something inside her chest, and she hasnt looked at her once since she came to the DEO. she is talking to her agents, divided in grups to take action agains the new anti-alien riots.

It didnt end with the disolution of the Children of Liberty, people where still angry, humans and aliens weary of each other after the discovery of The kiddnapings of Aliens by Lex Luthor the alien comunity became more vocal with respect of the abuse suffered inspite of the alien admisty that was still in place on National City.

Kara had known her discovery and then her article would shake the country, but this polarization was dangerous, the prospect of this much violence, and destruction was terrifying. She could see it clearly in the way Alex managed her people, using the same strategies she developed when Supergirl wasnt an ally.

“what can i do?” Kara asks, putting herself infront of her sister. Agents moved aroudn them , hashing out ditails between them, she could hear pieces of conversation, their agitation seeping into her.

Alex flinches taking a step back, she looks at her and then away, pain all over her features.

“Alex” Kara whispers, worry fills her voice and she takes a step closer to Alex only for her sister to take a step back again. 

Alex winces at the utterance of her name, pushing for distance between them she composes herself the best she can. “I dont think is a good idea for you to go into the field”.

“What?”.

“You cant make a stans this early, this isnt like the Children of Liberty, this aren’t just angry civilians, they know how to fight, they are more organiced” She looks tired, she looks frustrated. Something is wrong.

“But ive been to those rallies, they are people, the same people who doesnt want immigrants, mexicans or muslims. And you cant ask me this, to do nothing! You know I wont, if -

“Stop! Listen to yourself Kara, you think this is so easy but its not, those rallies are a fucking cover of the attacks to Alien settlements that had been secret from public record. Im doing my job Kara, and i will do so until i cant. But I wont have you put my operation in jeopardy” She says signaling her people. the agents that act as if their director isnt in the middle of a discusion out of respect, to Brainy who is looking at them criticaly.  
“Much less yourself, Kara, if they twist your image, if they have the power to do that, we will be fucked” She says just for Kara, the distress evident in her voice.

“I didnt knew about attacks”.

“It just started, but it cant be a coinsidence, Brainy doesnt think so, and nither do i. But i dont have pruff, and as the only agency with the power to subdue aliens we are in charge of the security”.  
Its Kara who then takes a step back. “Subdue?” She feels cold dread creep over her back.

“If necesary, but we’re not there only to protect humans, we are there to to stop the conflict, to protect both parties and avoid this to become bigger, this dose no one good” she shakes her head, There is sorrow in the lines of her face, in the arch of her back when she loses herself in thought.

Kara is drawn back to her, recognicing in Alex a pain so deep is uniquevocal part of her essential being. She wants to reach, to touch, to sooth.

“I know you want to help, and I’m not oposed to that, just… Can you help us in the reconosance, find threats before they become threats, at least until we know for sure what we are dealing with, please” Alex is the first one to reach then, the one to offer touch. Her hand encircles her wrist, just for a moment, searching for acquiescence.

She nodds and watches the people, humans she knows prepare for battle. Alex in the front lines so unlike the Alex with no memories of her.

+++++++

“Hey” Kara whispers, her voce heavy with sleep, she feels better already, of course without her powers the actual process of getting better is longer, but there is no rush, at least she hopes there’s not.

“Hey” he mirrors, a soft boyish smile on his face. He is charming no matter he is wearing a hospital gown. “You saved us again, Supergirl”.  
There is pride in his voice, the pride she had longed for the entirety of her life on earth.

But now that was hers, it didnt add up to anything within her, her inner world unchanged by him, her heart stronger inspite him. She loved him so much for so long, wanting it back, his love, she tought his pride was it, but such feelings werent substitutes for her loss. He didnt want her, young as he was, she hadnt been his family.

“Nah, that was all Alex”. 

She got it now, what it ment for them, to love, to have family of their own, to chose the people that chose them in return. To have all this want, all the heat and longing that lived in their chest answered.

Krypton had been beautiful, unique and unlike anything that in the universe existed.

Bright under the light of Rao and nurtured by Cythonna’s strenght.

“Where is Alex?”.

“I dont know, as soon as I could get up i came to see you”.

++++++++++

They are in Alex appartment, the coach pushed to the wall, plastic mats covering the floor of the livingroom, the soft light of the evenig pushing against the glass panes of the windows.

Alex is sweaty, but determined, there is a little frown of consentration in her face, her breathing deep and steady. She looks beautiful, unselfconsiouss of her enviroment, teaching giving her a freedome not many things can.

“Okay, you come at me , with the intent of choking or graving me from the shoulders. The main thing with this movements are the joints” she liks her lips. “Every creature has, no matter the strenght, the joints are the weakest points in the body, they cant be protected like other parts of the body without sacrifacing movility, and because of that we can unmovilice our opponents”

Kara smiles, she feels giddy, not just at the prospect of an evening with Alex, but because Alex feels just as exited.

“Dont laugh at me!, and come” Alex protests.

It delights her, this moments only for them. She goes, her body controled, all her sences in the calculation of her movements, she goes for her shoulders, unwilling to risk more even now.

Alex takes the grab, her right feet takes a step back both her hands come in half circles up to her elbows, pushing up. She feels the little give her joints have, but not discomfort. it would take more to breake her arm. The surprice is the push, both hands coming against her chest with force she didnt expect, it makes her stumble backwards.  
Alex comes to her space in an instant, grabs her right arm over her shoulder, Karas armpit to Alex shoulder, with a slight squat and a push of her hip kara finds herself in the air.  
She squeals from the surprice and reflex kicks in. Instead of smacking against the floor, she manages to float. Taking Alex anckle she pulls surprising her sister.   
Alex screams in surprice as she lands on the floor while Kara laughs still in the air.

“You bitch!” Alex roars she grabes for her. With a fistful of her shirt, Kara is pulled to the ground, Alex following.

Her weigth against her, her legs straddling her hips, the pants of her effort against er neck, hot, humid air prickling against her skin, her smell, her swat , her exitement, heavy in her nose. Its all she can smell, Alex, its all her body can take. Alex.  
She cant offer resistence, when Alex pushes her hands avobe her head.

“You are going to be so sorr-

Kara feels hot, her cheeks flushed, her mouth barely open.

She is not sweaty, but her hair is messy, her breathing deep and shallow from laughing and the closeness of Alex. 

And Alex is looking at her, her eyes roaming what she can, her chest, her neck her face. Kara feels Alex move her hand, a soft movement barely perceptible, the pressure of her fingers changeing, the slide of it slow. her eyes on her hand, entranced in the sensetion, she can see her swallow, her lips part, sigh softly.

What was this? Her heart pounded against her chest, her blood rushed in her ears, so loud against the sound of Alex’s own, its cadence disrupted.

Alex eyes came back to hers, and the look in them… She wants to reach, she wants nearness, she wants Alex.

“You are so soft”

She gasps at the soft utterance, forcing her to push up to be as close as she can.   
Alex doesnt let go of her hands, she keep them losely around her wrists. They are face to to face and she trully doesnt know what to do.

What she can do.

The door opens breaking the moment both snapping their heads to the door. Kelly in there, bags of food in her hands. She looks at them surpriced, her eyes twitch, as if she cought something but she is not sure of what.

Kara flops down the mat, her forearm covering her eyes, she hears Alex move, stand up.

“How was training?” Kelly asks.

They move to the kitchen and Kara is left alone with a new weight on her chest.

“Great, Kara is a cheat tho”.

Kara snorts at that, her body softening, she looks at the windows, the last of the sun shining through.

++++++++

“I dont want a sponge bath Eliza, i would rather an actual shawer”.

She is so sick of being in a bed, her body still aches and she can barely stay awake for more than four hours at a time but she cant with so much stillness, her body even without power is restoring steadily, and the same energy she has gotten used to is growing inside her. 

“But you cant sweety, you are already pale with arguing imagine just standing up” countered Eliza calmly. “You need to be patient”

Kara groans, slumping back into her pillows. Eliza is too kind, but she feels disgusting.

“And dont you pout at me missy, those sweet eyes of yours wont work with me”.

Kara corsses her arms and slumps deeply into her pillows wincing when it puts stress on her ribs. She is unhappy like this.

“Let me deal with the heathen mom, maybe i can wrangler her into a sponge bath” Comes Alex voice from the door.

Both women turns to her. Kara immediatly feeling lighter, Eliza cataloging her daugther’s health level just with her eyes.

Alex look tired, yes, but her cheeks had color and where a little bit fuller, the glove was still in her left arm, a treatment to restore faster and better the busnt skin there and presserve the integrity if the arm, she also was using was using a cane to aid her walking, she had told her, it was temporary, that there was not permanent damage to worry about.

“Are you sure honey?” Eliza asks esceptic 

+++++++++

She starts a new investigation, what Alex had mentioned, about the organization inside of this new anti-alien movement, it must have come from someone.  
Someone with power, with enough mony, enough influence, near ex President Baker, in the circles of Lex Luthor, and contacts, because with the level in combat this peopole had, they must be millitary, if not military, ex militars, the ruthlesness of their actions in a totally diferent level from tth Children of Liberty, even the DEO is worried.

She knows this spessific individuals are a minority inside the movement, most people cant identify them, strange to the civilians but not displeacing. Some want to join them, most people angry, scared, in need of a society that hasnt answered back. they feel threatened by a threat that doesnt exist, The repulsion in their faces born out of fear grows in anger, they feel entilted to their Land, cant concive the thought of aliens as people, much less peole in need. They just feel their hurt, a hurt that grows and grows only for them to pin it to the other. Aliens.

The fear she saw in Alex, her determination, and the constant fighting, gives her enough reason to fear herself, what this can do to both communities, the futile violence that will open and with it the devastation, it would mean war, and that would leave her in the middle, Alex probably forced by law or oath to fight against Aliens with where the DEO stands. And then what?

She finds herself helping William, he is doing an article about Andrea Rojas, and they are cross cheking refference. He thinks she is doing something that concerns the Alien population, and that is the reason she came to National City. 

She doesnt thinks so, Lena said she was a good friend, smart enough to not do stupid things when there was clearly a hero recident after she left for Japan.

They where using the table at the diningroom part of her loft, they came to her appartament after work, having shared pieces of what each was working on. She couldnt give herself the leeway to not check every possibility.

There’s knoking on her door, it opens suddenly.

“Hey Kar, I brought” she looks up from the bags in her arm. “Oh, Hey”  
She was looking directly at William, studying him carefully, the way he was sitting at the table, legs open, one extended, his arms combortably resteing in the table, his laptop infront of him, and his papers sorrounding him.   
He looked entarely too comfortable.

“Hey, I’m William”.

His smile makes kara want to face palm. She stands up from the other side of the table, she is still in her dress, unwilling to change when William was there no matter how much she wants to change into sweats and shirt.

Alex rise a brow, the disdain clear in her expression, the bruising in her face yellowing and the cut on her nose is only a scab. Then she is looking at Kara, her eyes traveling across her body. Kara watches her expression change, surprise and then apreciation instead of disdain apear in her features. Kara watches her swallow hard, before her eyes reach her face.

Her head snap back in surprise, she blinks fast as if to rid herself off the imagen in her head, then closes her eyes when it seems not to work and shakes softly her head.

Alex clears her troath looks down at the bags frowning, there is a pink tint in her chees made more evident by the fluoresent lights of her appartment.

“Here” she offers Kara the baggs.

“what?, no. Stay” Kara recives the baggs in a practiced movemet.

“I can buy more for myself, you look like you need it more than me”.

“No. Its alright, you dont have to go” Kara repeats getting frustrated. 

Alex had canceled tow previous sister nights, and she had only seen her once this week,   
“No, its fine Kara, you have work to do and Im glad i could bring you food” She shruggs not even looking at her. She goes to the kitchen directly to the glasses, to fill one with water.

“Alex!” She calls forcefully making her stop mid sip and william to look up. She could hear the fast beating of Alex’s heart, filling the space, she knows she was frowning, trying to calm it.

She was tired of this, of the hot and cold Alex was doing for a while now, the looks, the smell, but overall the ignorance.

Alex turns around with a soft smile and a fond look. The same look she had when she didnt remembered who she was, and it still stunns her. She hates that look, the easy love in it when it has never been easy with them. And hates it more seeing it now after Alex’s memories are back.

Alex walks up to her, gives her a soft caress on the cheeck follows the movement with her eyes. Such tender gesture steals Karas breath.

“Dont worry, we can eat lunch tomorrow, you are busy now, and i dont want you to feel like you have to entretain me, okay?” she steps back, her hand falls to her side. “Besides i can catch J’onn, I need his advice on something.

But Kara doesnt want that, she wants her sister, she wants Alex more and more with each day that goes by.

She exhales softly. “Okay, but call me please, i would love to have lunch with you” she steps into Alex’s space only to lean down and kiss her cheek. “Be careful, please” she whispers taking her hands and giving them a little squizz.

Alex smiles, one of her cheeky ones. “Im always careful” . And has the audacity to wink.

“Dickhead” Kara scoffs figthing off a smile.

Alex laughs delighted.

“Bye William” Alex waves and then she is gone, leaving Kara to stare at the door.

“Your girlfriend really didnt like me yeah? william asks.

Kara whipes her hed in his direction, surprise in her face. heat blooming in her chest. She scowls. “She is my sister” a pause. “We are close, and you are right, she doesnt like you.


End file.
